I remember walking through the airport

my suitcase getting increasingly annoying by the minute

my eyes begin to search for you amidst the sea of people

I'm starting to get upset

I had told you my arrival time

I needed to see your face, I needed to feel that someone was happy to see me

I find a seat in the back and wait for you

I watch as people hurriedly jump into taxis, and cars trying to get away from the bitter cold

I feel a tap on my shoulder

It's you

You looked so beautiful

but I don't say it

I should have smiled

I wanted to

but I was upset

I wanted..no needed you to know that.

I give you a light hug, you grab my bag

and we make our way over to the doors

I wanted to tell you all about my flight

how I slept the entire way

but I don't say a word

we board the bus

you sit on one side

I sit on the other

I watch you out the corner of my eye

what were you thinking?

I don't want to be mad anymore

but it's to late

the bus stops

we get off

we silently make our way to my apartment

the sound of the luggage against the pavement seems so loud

I want to grab you from behind

I'm sorry

You begin to search for the keys

I stop you

and I tell you how much I've missed you, and how I never want to leave again

you smile

and ask what I'd like for dinner

I politely say

You.

- It would of been nice to know that then. Nevertheless it's nice to finally know how you truly felt then. Your page is very interesting...i wonder who the other ones pertain to?...haha...just wondering. I'm sure they're for someone special.

-even after all this time..I still don't think you truly get me...we were so alike..yet so different.....either way..I wanted you to know..

Dear Nikkii

It was here at this exact moment

that I knew... i knew

it wasn't all in vain

It can be so hard to convey what your heart knows

to a mind that thinks only logic

I wish I had all the answers for you

I want to make it perfect

I say this all not to scare you

but for you to truly see

what I'm saying

or trying to at least

I find you extremely complex

and I mean that in the nicest of ways

at first glance you see this beautiful face

but then you know

there is so much more behind those eyes

and for some reason it makes me sad

not because I think you're sad

but because I'll spend the rest of my life

wondering....what it was that made you so different...so special..that not even I could put my finger on it..

everyone has a story, however short, long, complex, simple, funny, sad, exciting, or boring

and there is no other way for me to say this

I just want to know yours.

I'm so afraid that this might come off as intrusive, or invasive

but I'm just speaking from what I feel

I'm not asking to be a friend

in fact I'm not really sure what I'm asking

because I've reread this 5 times and deleted it 5 times and I'm still not sure

but what I do know is

I want to be there

even if its just to listen.

- I wrote this about a month ago..I kept it up for maybe 3 days, I always wondered if you ever got the the chance to read it..

Dear Me,

You really scare me sometimes, you can get so wrapped up in your thoughts, that you sometimes lose sight of what it is you're truly after. Go slow, take your time, if its for you, then it will happen, and if its not, then move on you tried. Your heart is so massive, you expect others to feel exactly how you do, but they all won't, some will love more, others less. You just have to learn how to accept it. You tend to allow your fantasies, and your reality to combine, just remember how to balance the two. You allow your written words to sometimes do all the talking, just remember some things are better spoken. You worry about exposing yourself to others, don't worry there are some who can relate. Stop disappearing on me, I'm only here to help you, but you have to let me in. You sometimes feel your world is ending, and that no one else can understand, but believe me there are some that do. You hate how intense you are, and you wish you didn't care as much, never change that, you'll one day meet someone who will love you for it . Don't push people away that love you, yes you might get your heart broken, but I can assure you it will mend. Stop underestimating yourself you are a true gift, even if no one else in this world ever tells you. You're sometimes so afraid of growing up, and losing what it is that keeps you dreaming. You look at others, and sometimes wonder why you haven't reached your true potential, don't worry it will come, just enjoy these moments, they won't last forever. Remember summer 09, the beautiful things you saw, the feelings that you felt? Do it again, you never felt so alive.Let go of all the things that hold you back from doing and saying what you really feel, everyone won't understand you, and they might not agree, but it doesn't matter, you owe no one a excuse. Take the time and look at your reflection, I'm sure you will see something you never noticed before. It's ok to cry, there is someone out there crying with you. Stick to your beliefs, you should always stand for something. Take the time to look others in the eyes, and never forget to touch them with yours. Tell them how you feel, they might not feel the same way, but they'll never forget what you told them. Take deep breaths, and close your eyes, I'll always be here. Do you hear that? That's your heart telling you to live, and let go. I will love you forever and always..

Sincerely,

Nikki H

In the beginning-

We meet. Our eyes connect from across the room, I don't know it yet, but you will change my life forever.We talk for hours, about how we never want to be like the rest of them. You ask if you can walk me home, I say no, but secretly I want you to. You persist so I give in. You tell me your dreams of becoming something unforgettable. I tell you mine, you smile and say we're soul mates. I believe you. You lean over and kiss me goodnight. I wasn't prepared for this, but I'm willing to try, so I let go.

Middle-

We get married. I'm afraid of settling, you promise it will never happen. I believe you. We find a house, its perfect for now. We fill this house with hopes and dreams. I like the way you and I make it feel.We make jokes about the others. We are special, they all think we're crazy, but we don't care. We set goals, we make plans. We talk for hours. You hold me. We tell everyone our plans, they laugh. We assure each other. You begin to doubt, but I won't..I can't. You get comfortable. My once lovely traits begin to annoy you. Time goes on, I begin to panic. You assure me, I calm down. I want to dance, but you're not in the mood. I begin to pack, you sit back and watch. I still believe. I begin to lose myself, I need something more. You're not around, I need comfort..I seek it. I'm confused. I don't know how to feel. We talk less. I bother you, I'm left with my own thoughts. I begin to hate this house. I'm desperate, I can't take it anymore. You beg me to stay. I do for you.

End-

We are strangers. Someone I once knew, has now become just like them. I begin to resent you for it all. I blame you. This was not suppose to happen. I hate myself. You seek comfort. I pretend not to notice, or maybe I don't care anymore. We barely talk, touch, hold. I scare you, I scare myself. I've given up. You laugh as though we're happy. When did I lose you? I'm fading. I have to find a way out. I wonder if its to late. I assure you everything is ok, you smile and leave for work. You will never see me again.

Open Eyes

I can really sound obsessive at times

I like the word

intense

more.

listen(understand)listen again

i need someone to tell me that

feeling numb

is ok

and that every closed eye

isn't sleep

that all cold hands

aren't lonely

and all tears aren't

real

that words

sometimes mean speechless

and pain

sometime feels good

silence

can be overrated

and that love

is undated

heartbeats

can beat in unison

and not everyone living

is just killing time.

I just want to run, jump, freak out

get out of this body

completely free of anything

grab hands as I flee

start a riot

where to even begin

if i don't know where i stopped

YELL AS LOUD AS YOU CAN

you deserve it

I want to feel the sand

better yet

the water

see the orange moon

and hear the crickets chirp

let them sing for us

make love openly

expose it all

take mental pictures

of what freedom feels like

jump some more

lets stand on the edge and feel the rush

of what falling might feel like

i'm crazy girl

i'm crazy

Meet my new love...Lucille

Introducing my new leading lady..Lucille

We met this morning, while riding past a garage sale

She's originally from New York

born in 1968

(I like my women a little older)

and she use to deliver fresh baked bread for a living

then after moving cross country

she ended up spending most of her time

hanging out in a old barn..

that is until she met me

it was love at first sight

Sure she needed some much need

TLC

but I really couldn't imagine my life without her now

she rides so smooth,

she's really laid back

easy going too

and guess what

she'll be coming

to a city near

YOU!

I bet you're dreaming right now

I want to creep inside your mind

and completely take over

and flood your mind with thoughts

I want you to think of me constantly

I'm intense like that

Nothing scares me anymore

Other than you

yea

that's what scares me the most

see

when I close my eyes

you'll flood my mind

and hold my thoughts hostage

but I like the way it feels

I just wish you were there

because you want to be.

I ONLY WANT TO

BE THERE TO KISS YOU

AS YOU WANT TO BE KISSED

WHEN YOU NEED TO BE KISSED

WHERE I WANT TO KISS YOU

CAUSE IT'S MY HOUSE

AND I PLAN TO LIVE IN IT

Free Flow

I love the way your name flows so smoothly from my mouth, my pen, my fingertips…which leads me to daydream about how I can’t wait to lay with you and trace the outline of your lips, nose, and eyes with said fingertips. I think often, sometimes about things no one gives a damn about. Most times, I fear where my thoughts will lead me but, lately I have been allowing them to free-flow & they have been leading me straight to you. I see you here smiling at me with warm eyes. They tell me to come closer and I listen, I find myself in your arms & I feel safe here. The artist in me wants to love the artist in you: your music, my paint, your drums, my pencils, your keyboard, my brushes = us, one blank canvas with infinite possibilities.

Why do you underestimate my ability to love you?

I can relate

Clementine: What took you so long?
Joel: I just walked in.
Clementine: Do you miss me?
Joel: Oddly enough, I do!
Clementine: You said "I do" - I guess that means we're married!
Joel: I guess so!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Clementine: You don't tell me things, Joel. I'm an open book. I tell you everything, every damn, embarrassing thing.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: [pauses] Okay.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joel: Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?

Girl Interrupted

This week has been the most eye opening experience ever

my mom had a anxiety attack headed to work causing her to be checked into the mental institute willowbrook.

At first it was surreal..my mom was in willowbrook, I had always heard stories about the type of people that went there, and that it was for the mentally insane, but I'm proud to say that those myths couldn't be further from the truth....sorta. My mom had been suffering from depression for a while, and I guess it all just sorta caught up with her, and I'm honestly glad it did. There is this stigma that people who are depressed, or mentally unstable are different from everyone else, and its so not true. We all suffer from different things, its just that some people know how to keep it balanced better than others. While visiting my mother I met some of the MOST AMAZING PEOPLE EVER!!. I met Josh first he had been there for over a month for a addiction to riddilin, and a suicide attempt, he was obsessed with football and girls :). We would sit and talk about everything, or we just sat there quietly enjoying each others presence. Then there was Portia she was 19 and currently enrolled at the local nursing program in our town, that I might add is extremely hard to get into, and she had a 4.0 while taking on 19hrs and working a part time job. Her dad had put so much stress on her to be perfect, that she just needed a break from it all, so she took 16 pain killers, to help her self sleep..all she remembers is waking up after having her stomach pumped. Then there was Jill..my mom's roommate,she had come into town for her high school's 20th reunion, she suffered from depression and the last thing she remembers is talking to her high school crush. She was so smart, she had a PhD and knew everything about everything, she left me speechless..and lets not forget "Mrs Ceelee" she was in there because she had attempted to commit suicide 3 times, she was harder to break through, but once she opened up, you couldn't stop laughing. Next there was Natalie she had been admitted because of her addiction to prostitution, she didn't know why she did it, she just liked the way it felt. The first day I went to visit my mom, she sat quietly in a corner, sitting by herself. I could see her watching us, so I just smiled and continued to talk to my mom..a few minutes later she walked up to us, and asked "why are ya'll so happy". She seemed so sincere when she asked it, and it honestly caught me off guard. My mom just looked up and gave her the biggest smile and said"because we still have a chance" she looked at my mom and smiled back and said" I like that" and she walked away, but my favorite one would have to be Thomas, he had tried to commit suicide by shooting his self in the heart, after his wife had left him, with just a note that said "goodbye". How he had called her before he did it to let her know that he would never love anyone again, and that she would always have his heart. I was fascinated by his story, and also saddened..people are such delicate beings, and so many things can tip us over the edge. Love is such a intense feeling that no one can prepare you for, and it can be such a painful thing at times, that some feel the only way out is death.
Then there were the nurses..who acted as if they had known you forever..this one nurse told me about how when the ships went to africa to buy slaves, how they only chose the africans that were a part of royal families, how they picked the Kings and Queens of tribes. I was speechless..that meant that every single african american that were decedents of slaves came from kings and queens, and we didn't have a clue.

I learned so much in just these few days, I met so many amazing people..people who had been misunderstood, or ignored..people who were just being people. My mom had confessed to me that she had often thought about suicide, but but realized how selfish it would be, and I confessed to her that I had also had the same thoughts..and it was such a relief to tell her those things. I want to tell her more, but with time I suppose.

I realized that I could relate to every single person in there, and that I LOVE PEOPLE, I love how they confuse me, I love the way they think, I love the way we are so complex, I love everything about us. I know there are some people out there that do some horrible things, that we can't explain, but it doesn't change the fact that most of us are so special and unique..I think we're all a little off...but that's a good thing.

09/08/10

let me in right now dammit

I won't be here forever

you think of all the reasons of why you shouldn't

well guess what I could give you a million more

but that doesn't matter

because I know this is right

so stop pushing me down

I'm gonna jump if you don't stop me

not unless you jump too

you think you got me all figured out

well baby you're in for a surprise

you want to know what makes me so different

well i can't tell you why

you just have to feel it

those butterflies that you feel

when you think of me

they're trying to tell you something

just promise me you'll listen.

There's this small part of me that secretly

hopes when I click on your profile

and see your relationship status

that it will say: single

but today

it still said

'in a relationship"

guess I'll just have to

wait my turn

I've decided to check out...not sure when I'll be back

maybe when I find myself..

or when myself

finds

me.