"I touched guilt in your eyes as your lips begin to lie and it kills me every time, but I always learn the hard way with you and it always ends in heartbreak. You put me in a hard place, I’m always in a hard way. My heart breaks with you.

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair

by Pablo Neruda

Don’t go far off, not even for a day
Don’t go far off, not even for a day,
Because I don’t know how to say it - a day is long
And I will be waiting for you, as in
An empty station when the trains are
Parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don’t leave me, even for an hour, because then
The little drops of anguish will all run together,
The smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
Into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve
On the beach, may your eyelids never flutter
Into the empty distance. Don’t LEAVE me for
A second, my dearest, because in that moment you’ll
Have gone so far I’ll wander mazily
Over all the earth, asking, will you
Come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

♥

This is me...I am it

I’m addicted to highs
Would you like to know why?

When the months change
So do my love point of views
I don’t want what I need
What I need hates me.
What I need hates me.

All along
All along.
I guess I’m meant to be alone

All along
All along
I guess I’m meant to be alone
out there on my own...

My Bucket List

• Travel this vast world
• Stay with an indigenousness tribe, in the rain forest
• Swim in the Red Sea
• Stand on the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro
• Watch a shuttle launch
• Visit every state in th US
• Learn a language fluently( preferably more than 1)
• Have something I wrote published
• Make a short documentary or film
• Work at a small cafe in greece
• Travel the country side of italy
• See how authentic Italian pasta and wine is made
• Visit the Willy Wonka Factory
• French kiss someone french in france
• Explore a country by bicycle
• Drive a vespa around Italy or Spain
• Learn how to play a foreign instrument like the Rubab
• Go somewhere where I am the sole minority
• Travel from one country to another by foot or bike only
• Go skydiving
• Visit a Buddhist temple and meditate
• Visit Cuba, before I'm allowed to
• Drink authentic Fiji water
• See a giraffe, elephant, lion, in their natural habitat
• Buy a boat and learn to sail
• Sleep in a remote village, and learn a new culture
• Volunteer with different endangered animal foundations across the world
• Trek across the Himalayas
• Attend a Indian wedding in India
• Attend a Pakistani wedding in Pakistan
• Visit the Holy Lands, visit the birth place of Jesus
• Attend a cooking class in Italy
• Sleep at the bottom of the Grand Canyon
• Stay in a remote part of the world, where there are no people
• Visit a hidden island
• Grow dreadlocks
• Shave off all of my hair
• Get tattoed in a foreign country
• Visit every continent
• Travel to at least 85% of this world
• Build a eco friendly house
• Have a farm with different types of animals
• Come as close as I can to becoming a vegetarian
• Stop driving a car all together, and only travel by bike
• Invent something, that can be used worldwide
• Become closer with God
• Adopt a child
• Stop watching t.v completely
• Stop using internet completely
• Only communicate with people by letter, or by calling them, no texts
• Live in communal housing

....................................... to be continued

What's your bucket list?

Tom:“We don’t have to label what we’re doing. I just… I need some consistency. I need to know you won’t wake up tomorrow and feel a different way.”

Summer: “I can’t promise you that. Nobody can. Anyone who does is a liar.”

3/29/2011

sensitive: easily hurt or damaged; especially: easily hurt emotionally

Someone told me yesterday "U shouldn't be so sensitive"

and of course I retorted back with a defense of not being sensitive, but it got me thinking..am Ireally that sensitive, to the point where others feel I should toughen up. Or should I even care, I mean does that one person's opinion of me, even matter? The answer I came up with is.. yes and no.. Yes because regardless of how confident and comfortable I am with myself, there are a select few that I deem highly important, important enough to actually care what they say. No because this is what makes me..me and while I would try to improve a characteristics, I would never want to change it. I think many people view sensitivity as a weakness, something that constantly needs to be improved on, or strengthened with time. While others see it as a valuable assets, to be able to show emotionally just how you're feeling at that very moment. Is that such a bad thing? Or should I consistently hold in all of emotions, until I feel they have disappeared somewhere inside me. Would that be better?

My indian summers...

Growing up I spent most of my time hanging out with my mom and younger brother, we did everything together. My mom always told us, we were the easiest and sweetest kids in the world. She also told us that she had found me in a cabbage patch, and that she found my brother on the back of a pickup truck with a bunch of baby chickens. To this day I still believe her. I was a extremely curious child, I always found my way into things. Both of my parents grew up in the country. My dad in the outskirts of a small mississippi town, and my mom a quiet little town tucked away by the fields and farms of alabama. We spent most of our summers between the two. I always preferred staying in alabama because there were more girls to hang out with. We would wake up early in the morning to go outside, and play with the hogs, chicken, cows, horses. I recall playing hide and seek but often wondering off into the rows and rows of vegetables that my grandmother grew, tall stalks of corn, and sunflowers..covered me. I remember being called in for dinner, my aunt standing by the stove, I hated everything she cooked. Me and my brother were use to pb&j sandwiches, and fish sticks..we weren't hard to please, but she insisted we eat her potato salad, squash, and greens. We couldn't go back outside until we finished our food, while my cousins screamed and ran aimlessly outside free to do as they pleased. My brother and I sat quietly at the table staring at the full plates in front of us, eventually my aunt grew tired of looking at our pathetic faces, told us to put our plates and go. I don't think it took me more than 3 seconds to get out that door. All of my cousins who grew up in the country had this amazing talent of walking around bare feet, on the hot rocks, sand, the shards of grass...anything. I wanted to be just as daring as them, so I would attempt to do the same, but I never made it more than a few feet before hopping around, and running back for my shoes. We would go deep into the woods, looking for berries, making sure to avoid "snake spit" or what my mom called it at least. There was no clocks, or tvs to be watched. Our daily schedules depended solely on the one street light, by my grandmothers house, and even then we dared staying out later, only later being forced in by the insects that ruled the night. One of my cousins had a baby doll that she adored, she treated it as if it were this person, and for the life of me..I just didn't understand it...everyone played along with it, as if "rachel" was this real little baby that everyone just adored. My grandmother going along with it the most. "Rachel" got very special privileges, from getting to take her bath first, to being able to lay on my grandmother's bed. I guess one day, "rachel " just rubbed me the wrong way. I saw her laying there on the bed, nestled between my grandmothers' other dolls and stuffed bears, no one was around. So I made my way closer, she just stared back at me, before I knew it, "rachel" was tucked in my arms and we went out the door. I was so surprised by my actions, I really didn't know what to do with myself, the further I walked, the more scared I became..I begin to wonder how would I get "rachel" back on my grandmothers' bed without anyone noticing, and not getting in trouble. I decided I'd play with "rachel" a little longer, and then take her back. I remember tossing "rachel" in the air, getting higher and higher with each toss. I begin to test my skills by throwing her backwards and forward, until a tree branch decided to join in on the fun. There "rachel" dangled above me, her little doll dress draped over her head, and her soft cotton body, being poked by the smaller branches. What had I done?! I really begin to panic, I searched frantically for something to throw up there to knock her down, after a few minutes, I saw my older brother's football and decided to use that to get her down. After a few missed tries, I finally knocked "rachel" down, and as she fell, I put so much attention in making sure I caught her, I didn't notice the things below me, and I ended up tripping over a tree root. After brushing myself off, I walked over to pick up "rachel" there she laid, her left leg laying beside her. I didn't know whether to smile, or cry. I had to do something..quick...I looked around to make sure no one had seen what had happened. I spotted a tree that stood between my grandmother and aunt's house. It had really thick shrubbery so I decided I'd stick "rachel" in there until I figured out a better plan. As I finished, my aunt called for us to come in for dinner, and I did just that. It didn't take long before my cousin noticed "rachel" missing, she searched frantically for her, everyone got in on the search for the missing doll. I sat back and watched my grandmother console my cousin, I begin to feel a little guilty, and considered telling her what had happened, maybe should would understand and forgive me. But who was I fooling, she loved that doll more than me, there would be no forgiving in this case. So my lips were sealed. The only way my grandmother could get my cousin to sleep, was by telling her, that we would find her the next day....and that is exactly what happened. I remember waking up to my cousin standing over me, with "rachel" gripped in her hands, her little left leg dangling from her body, barely attached by one long string of cotton. I didn't know what to say..how could she have possibly guessed it was me, should I deny it? and blame my brother, or should I just tell her the truth..as tears filled her eyes, I begin to feel guilty and I told her what had happened. That I wanted to play with "rachel" too but I knew she would let me if I asked. I told her I was sorry, and if there was a way we could fix her. She rolled her eyes, and turned away from me. I spent the rest of the day to myself, since no one wanted to play with me. The strangest part is, I'm not sure if I ever truly felt bad about what I did, but I did learn a lesson that day. If you're going to commit a crime, make sure you leave no evidence. Side note: "Rachel" still lays on my grandmother's bed, missing leg and all :)

The mindset of a libra.

Libra: the only inanimate sign..while other signs boast strong animals..or people. Mine simply displays a scale. And in so many words..that is truly what I am. I thrive off of balance..without it, I feel completely lost. To the point where it's impossible for me to focus on anything else, I need it. Things that would appear small, and unimportant, are viewed large, and life changing in my eyes. I lack the capability of just walking away. I don't know how. Knowing that someone is unhappy with me, is like being pierced with a thousand thorns. I must always make you happy, and if you're not..I'm only thinking of ways to change that. My view on things tend to be a little different than most. I will always hope for the best, instead of settling for what has been given. I have the constant need to be attached or needed by someone. That is when I feel most at ease, but I tend to stay in relationships longer than needed for fear of losing that comforting feeling. Words are like candy to me..they can be the most rewarding thing, but to much can also hurt you. I like to chose my words carefully but also have a hard time expressing them, when placed on the spot. It takes time to build a masterpiece and I feel my words are just that. I constantly want to know what you're thinking, so I can adjust myself accordingly, I work well in most situations. Challenges excite me. My mind tends to be a on and off switch..what I wanted one day..could be the last thing I want today. I lose interest in things and people rather quickly, so the constant need to be mentally stimulated is vital to keep my attention. I love things I don't understand, but also loath it for that very reason. I'm a messy neat freak. I'm attracted to those that offer some type of artistic ability, especially those that can teach me something I never knew before. Those that find me secretive..need only to listen more closely..I say everything you want or desire to hear..just in a different way. I like small details, and I notice them as well, even when I don't acknowledge it. I like to test those close to me, just to see if they really know me, or to see if they really listen. The idea of someone truly understanding me..is love. I lack the energy or time to pretend to be anything other than myself, and although I might apologize for my randomness or weirdness..I don't mean it..what I'm really saying is..take it or leave it. I'm annoyed when people aren't clear to me..reading between the lines is cute..but not in my case. I find it hard to make someone happy, if I'm not clear on what it is they want. I like hands, it's one of the first things I notice on a person. I think hands say a lot. I'm extremely gullible and naïve about most things, simply because the idea of trusting someone, is easier than not trusting them, so when finding out I've been lied to. It's almost impossible for me to view them the same, whether I tell you or not. The best way to hurt me is distance. Since I dislike being alone. I get crushes rather easily..and I can move on to the next just as fast. I live in this fantasy world, I can imagine anything..there really are no limits. I love hard, and I tend to get engulfed by it, but I like that feeling. Once in a relationship, most of my attention is placed on that person, they become my world, and I enjoy that. When in love, I feel the need to tell you, or show you..the best way "I" know how. All of my actions are based on another. I hate conflicts, and saying no to people. Which means I tend to do things that I don't want to do, just to make others happy. My view on love.. Acknowledge my existence, and my importance to you, and I will give you the world. I just need to feel needed. That is what makes me a libra.

Libra sexuality:

I tend to be attracted physically to all things beautiful, and charm is a added bonus. I can often be masculine in my ways. I'm often fueled by resistance, but don't make me fight to long, I'll begin to question if it's worth it. Although I love challenges, I also view myself as being pretty good at what I do, and forms of objection are not my strong suit. I view seduction as a art. I'm good at controlling most of my fears so I tend to appear calm and collected, even if that is not the case.

Contrary to some beliefs, my favorite form of intimacy is cuddling, it is while doing this, my mind and hands tend to wonder. One of the sexiest things to do for me, is simply listening. I can be extremely sexual, although the act is nice, talking about it to me is even better. I take most of my pleasure from satisfying the needs of others, verbal and physical reaction are what I thrive on. Some of my weaknesses tend to be: I'm often told I can be misleading in what it is I desire. I can be needy to some, especially to those who often need their space. I can be selfish at times. I tend to flirt, even with people I'm not attracted to. Some of my strengths are: My ability to charm, my desire to please, honest display of affection, what you see, is usually what you get it.

Maybe love is insanity....

lovers from Alan Algee on Vimeo.

When I first watched this, I was solely memorized by the beauty of the concept, but after watching this again..I realize..this is us..our story..and as much as the thought of us ending scares me..the beauty of our story..makes it all worth while. So let's enjoy each other, I'll give you as much as you can handle, and I want you to do the same, and we'll become full of each other's love.